The Legend of Half Beard

Apparently there can be only One.
If you haven't noticed, I've been gone for a bit. Well I died. Thats right, dead. How did I die? Well I know I told you about how they kidnapped me last week, well they did it again, but this time they went too far. I think their plan was to just to humiliate me...but things went wrong...you see they stripped me down, tied my hands, put one of those big ass signs on me (the sign read "Half Beard's are Half Beards, they need to die"...yea real creative), they also tied me to the bumper of the van. They kicked me out the back and told me I better start running. As I stand up, they start driving, one dude had a mega phone yelling "Look at the Half Beard, ha ha", the guy driving must have been drunk, he was swerving all over the road. So the first turn he takes he cuts off a semi, semi can't stop quick enough, Half Beard doesn't react quick enough...splat. Yea I know. Stupid way to die.
So I died. Death was weird...Sean Connery was there telling me I had no choice but to go into the light.
I break out of the morgue and head back to my apartment. During my walk, my spidey senses start tingling...I feel like I'm being followed. I stop and look around, nothing there. Keep walking. I see an alley coming up, I know this neighborhood so I know it's quicker to walk through the alley. As I turn the corner, I take a shot in the gut. Here we go again I think to myself, it isn't bad enough these bastards got me killed, now they are going to mess me up again. I look up and see this real crazy looking 7 foot tall dude...and guess what...he was a Half Beard.
I got pretty excited right there, I truly haven't met any other Half Beards. But he hits me again, all excitement gone.
So we duke it out in the middle of this alley for awhile. Pretty closely matched, I think my Half Beard may be a little more coarser than his though.
He stops all of the sudden...takes a few steps backwards, I'm thinking good we're done, now we can drink...
Not the case...this dude whips out a 3 foot straight razor...unfolds it...points at his Half Beard, points at me, "There can be only One Half Beard!" he shouts...I'm a little slow friends,I did just come back from the grave, and I'm still trying to figure out how he got such a big straight razor, well as he is charging at me it occurs to me that he is going to try and shave off my Half Beard...
I whip out my portable Sawzall, do a little tuck and roll past him, jump up and start to choke him out, he drops the big ass razor, I start to shave his Half Beard, it's not working though, the Beard just starts to regrow, I realize I need to go deeper, I start to break the skin...
In one quick swoop it's all over. His Half Beard falls to the street, he falls to his knees...
I drop my Sawzall...spidey senses start to go crazy(I don't really have spidey senses, but you know that feeling).
Lightening...that's all I remember. Lightening, I don't know where it came from, but it was everywhere.
Talk about a fucked up weekend though.
Dead - Alive - 3 Foot Straight Razor - Lightening.
I guess there can be really only One Half Beard.