Monday, October 11, 2010

That One Day...

You know that one day, that one that always sticks with ya? The one that you can always use as a great story when meeting new people. Yea you know.

Well let me tell you about one of those days. I have many, being a Half Beard n all.

Like usual, there I was minding my own business, trying to eat breakfast. Now I dont normally get up that early, so eating a good breakfast, when it happens, is kind of a big deal to me. Triple stack, bacon, sausage, over easy eggs, some biscuits n gravy, and a waffle. Yep, just one waffle, a little whip cream and strawberries. This is the kind of breakfast that you get when you have been out drinking all night, fat greasy goodness.

So im about halfway through my meal when the waitress comes over, she's the one thats way too old, way too fat, and way too fuckin dirty to be serving food products. She says to me, in that Janice Joplin voice:
"Hey hon, dhose two guys at da bar, dhey been askin bout you, askin me if i knows you n shit."
"So what did you tell them?"
"Listen muthafucka, I already got dhem guys askin me questions, I dont need you doin da same, Ima tell you what im told em when im ready..."
"So why the hell did you bring it up, if you arent gonna tell me?"
"Pshh, impatient ass muthafucka aint ya, listen, I dont know you from nothin, that's what I told dhem, mattafact i aint got no time for dhis bullshit, you gonna tip me or what? My shift ova."

I did tip her, and while her attitude was shitty, she did find a decent bone in her gut to tell me these black suit guys were asking about me.

There goes my great breakfast. Right.

I bet your probably wondering how I got out the restaurant, your thinking im on some Jason Bourne type shit? Nope, i aint Batman either. It's always just me and my Half Beard, i have no fancy gadgets, no utility belt, no fuckin cape.
This is what i did, i had the waitress bring the manager to my table. I told him his fatass waitress deserved a raise for being the least dirtiest staff member he had in the building. Then i informed him that those two suits were celebrating their birthdays, twin brothers i told him. This wasnt exactly an Applebees, but they got the staff together and brought them a cake, surrounded them and sang a horribly off key version of Happy Birthday. I slipped out the back.

Running down the alley, im trying to figure out who these guys are and why they were asking about me. I've been fairly low key lately.

to be continued....

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Cruisin down the street in my six-fo’ Jockin the bitches, slappin the hoes, Went to the park to get the sco....

Umm so you ever watch a horror movie and just get pissed they try so hard to make you glad the people who died deserved it? Well Half Beard just watched the movie "Piranha", and well thats the exact shit that happened...

I hate you Hollywood.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sesame Street Girls, They'll Melt Your Eyeballs....And Distort Your Perception?

Here's my take on this: Nobody really watches Sesame Street anymore, they needed some publicity, what better way to do it than by having a tittie popping Katy Perry run around with every kids favorite giggle monster, Elmo. In the process they piss off some stiff ass parents, who at night probably watch fuckin Super Nanny trying to figure out why their kids don't listen to them.

The only real problem I have is that now they wont air the episode on their up coming season. But they did put it on youtube, which we all know the internet is safer than living room tv right? The video has already grabbed over a quarter million views, and I highly doubt any children between the ages of 3 and 6 were sitting at their parents pc giggling away and pointing and laughing at her bouncing tits. Also I would like to say that if your kid's are any older than that and still watching Sesame Street, Super Nanny cant help you.
Did you know Queen Latifah is a lesbian? She was on Sesame Street. Miss Sex and the city star Sarah Jessica Parker was on Sesame Street. Michelle Obama, Adam Sandler, Katie fuckin Couric. Your children dont know who any of these people are, all they care about is the fun songs, the big yellow bird, and the little red tickle me toy. Who by the way runs around naked in every episode, and would be a great name for a woman's play thing.

All Half Beard is saying here folks, is quit being so goddamned sensitive all the time, and to Sesame Street: If you need some more viewers, add some trippy video scenes, so that when mommy or daddy is all zoned out on zoloft, they will actually spend some time with their kids and watch the show with them, instead of having the show watch them.

Watch The Video

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

In The Time Of Chimpanzees....

I was a Half Beard. I am a Half Beard. I am the Half Beard.

A few days have passed since my last confession. In that time I have done absolutely nothing productive. As a Half Beard I feel a certain level of responsibility
towards certain things that happen or can happen or could happen. But also as Half Beard, I feel like I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Taking a few days off is okay, and if you dont like it, too fucking bad.

Ok, so maybe I got your attention now. Lets get on with the getting on.

I'm really at a loss for words right now. Not in the sense that I have been shocked by something and it has taken away my voice, or not in the way where raged vigilantes cut out your tongue because they think you're the enemy. More in the way that I truly can not think of anything to write here that would be semi entertaining and or abusive. You would think that after a few days of doing nothing, I would have all sorts of shit to say. But maybe you misunderstood me when I said I did nothing. I mean I really sat in my studio apartment for the last three days and did nothing. Sure I ate, drank, shit, and slept. Where's the story in that?
Sure I could tell you about the spider I captured and let die of starvation, but I think that's probably only entertaining to me, I hate spiders by the way, and I'm sure there is some kind of M.others A.gainst S.pider T.orture group floating around. I could also tell you how I watched all the Star Wars movies back to back, then I watched all the Star Trek movies back to back, then had a interesting argument with the spider about who's food was better. The Replicator won. I could tell you about the many female visitors I had, but then you would owe me money. This might be what they call writers block, I dont know though, I'm not a writer, I merely think and the words appear.
However I will tell you this, I did learn that being too lazy to go to the store and buying some butter and then cooking with Vaseline, is not a good thing. It gives everything that taste like you just got done chewing on a balloon for an hour. That rubbery dirty taste, you know when you were a kid and you had that balloon for days, and everyone of your friends played with it. You kicked it around outside, rubbed it on your hair and stuck it to the wall, your cat. Then you decided to use it as a pillow and it popped. You wanted gum, but all you had was the popped balloon, you know that moment, when you shrug and put the popped remains in your mouth and start chewing. After about a minute you have to pull the knot off, it just doesnt chew right. And of course you try and blow a bubble, which works, but hurts your jaw. Thats when it happens, you actually start to taste the balloon, rubber, sweat, dirt, cat fur....kind of bitter and salty all at the same time. Then it starts to suck up all the moisture in your mouth, its almost as if at this point you are chewing on your tongue.

Well thats what food tastes like when you cook with vaseline. At least thats what happened to me.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Book Of Half Beard : Chapter Two

So here we are at Chapter 2 already. Pretty easy life, this Half Beard-ness. Woke up, created a planet, shot gunned a 6 pack of some Natty's. Went back to sleep. Ahhh. Dont hate on the Natty either, creating life n shit aint easy, and it definitely doesnt pay well.

After another night of booze and porcupine fights, I decide that my little planet is missing something. I scratch my Half Beard in thought, a few whiskers fall the to earth, low and behold trees and grass begin to grow. I have to admit at this point im slightly hung over and this is all pretty fuckin amazing to me. So I start to play around with this new found "Sim". I just happen to have what they call "bar elbows", so i scrape a few dead flakes of skin off....*poof* I now have deserts on my little ball of randomness. This next one is probably a little weird, but shit I couldnt resist, i start digging up my nose, and well lets just say now we have mountains. A few loogies hawk'd and we got a few lakes. Then it hit me, I seriously laughed out loud. Pure genius I thought to myself. And well, after a night of drinking what did you expect? I hope by now you have guessed how the oceans were formed, I mean why do you think they are so salty?

What would you do im my shoes? I mean really. Here you discover you have this super cool ability to make life....crazy. I gotta sit down.