Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sowtf'suppeoplezwhereuat?

Cruisin down the street in my six-fo’ Jockin the bitches, slappin the hoes, Went to the park to get the sco....

Umm so you ever watch a horror movie and just get pissed they try so hard to make you glad the people who died deserved it? Well Half Beard just watched the movie "Piranha", and well thats the exact shit that happened...

I hate you Hollywood.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sesame Street Girls, They'll Melt Your Eyeballs....And Distort Your Perception?



Here's my take on this: Nobody really watches Sesame Street anymore, they needed some publicity, what better way to do it than by having a tittie popping Katy Perry run around with every kids favorite giggle monster, Elmo. In the process they piss off some stiff ass parents, who at night probably watch fuckin Super Nanny trying to figure out why their kids don't listen to them.

The only real problem I have is that now they wont air the episode on their up coming season. But they did put it on youtube, which we all know the internet is safer than living room tv right? The video has already grabbed over a quarter million views, and I highly doubt any children between the ages of 3 and 6 were sitting at their parents pc giggling away and pointing and laughing at her bouncing tits. Also I would like to say that if your kid's are any older than that and still watching Sesame Street, Super Nanny cant help you.
Did you know Queen Latifah is a lesbian? She was on Sesame Street. Miss Sex and the city star Sarah Jessica Parker was on Sesame Street. Michelle Obama, Adam Sandler, Katie fuckin Couric. Your children dont know who any of these people are, all they care about is the fun songs, the big yellow bird, and the little red tickle me toy. Who by the way runs around naked in every episode, and would be a great name for a woman's play thing.



All Half Beard is saying here folks, is quit being so goddamned sensitive all the time, and to Sesame Street: If you need some more viewers, add some trippy video scenes, so that when mommy or daddy is all zoned out on zoloft, they will actually spend some time with their kids and watch the show with them, instead of having the show watch them.

Watch The Video

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

In The Time Of Chimpanzees....

I was a Half Beard. I am a Half Beard. I am the Half Beard.

A few days have passed since my last confession. In that time I have done absolutely nothing productive. As a Half Beard I feel a certain level of responsibility
towards certain things that happen or can happen or could happen. But also as Half Beard, I feel like I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Taking a few days off is okay, and if you dont like it, too fucking bad.


Ok, so maybe I got your attention now. Lets get on with the getting on.

I'm really at a loss for words right now. Not in the sense that I have been shocked by something and it has taken away my voice, or not in the way where raged vigilantes cut out your tongue because they think you're the enemy. More in the way that I truly can not think of anything to write here that would be semi entertaining and or abusive. You would think that after a few days of doing nothing, I would have all sorts of shit to say. But maybe you misunderstood me when I said I did nothing. I mean I really sat in my studio apartment for the last three days and did nothing. Sure I ate, drank, shit, and slept. Where's the story in that?
Sure I could tell you about the spider I captured and let die of starvation, but I think that's probably only entertaining to me, I hate spiders by the way, and I'm sure there is some kind of M.others A.gainst S.pider T.orture group floating around. I could also tell you how I watched all the Star Wars movies back to back, then I watched all the Star Trek movies back to back, then had a interesting argument with the spider about who's food was better. The Replicator won. I could tell you about the many female visitors I had, but then you would owe me money. This might be what they call writers block, I dont know though, I'm not a writer, I merely think and the words appear.
However I will tell you this, I did learn that being too lazy to go to the store and buying some butter and then cooking with Vaseline, is not a good thing. It gives everything that taste like you just got done chewing on a balloon for an hour. That rubbery dirty taste, you know when you were a kid and you had that balloon for days, and everyone of your friends played with it. You kicked it around outside, rubbed it on your hair and stuck it to the wall, your cat. Then you decided to use it as a pillow and it popped. You wanted gum, but all you had was the popped balloon, you know that moment, when you shrug and put the popped remains in your mouth and start chewing. After about a minute you have to pull the knot off, it just doesnt chew right. And of course you try and blow a bubble, which works, but hurts your jaw. Thats when it happens, you actually start to taste the balloon, rubber, sweat, dirt, cat fur....kind of bitter and salty all at the same time. Then it starts to suck up all the moisture in your mouth, its almost as if at this point you are chewing on your tongue.

Well thats what food tastes like when you cook with vaseline. At least thats what happened to me.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Book Of Half Beard : Chapter Two

So here we are at Chapter 2 already. Pretty easy life, this Half Beard-ness. Woke up, created a planet, shot gunned a 6 pack of some Natty's. Went back to sleep. Ahhh. Dont hate on the Natty either, creating life n shit aint easy, and it definitely doesnt pay well.



After another night of booze and porcupine fights, I decide that my little planet is missing something. I scratch my Half Beard in thought, a few whiskers fall the to earth, low and behold trees and grass begin to grow. I have to admit at this point im slightly hung over and this is all pretty fuckin amazing to me. So I start to play around with this new found "Sim". I just happen to have what they call "bar elbows", so i scrape a few dead flakes of skin off....*poof* I now have deserts on my little ball of randomness. This next one is probably a little weird, but shit I couldnt resist, i start digging up my nose, and well lets just say now we have mountains. A few loogies hawk'd and we got a few lakes. Then it hit me, I seriously laughed out loud. Pure genius I thought to myself. And well, after a night of drinking what did you expect? I hope by now you have guessed how the oceans were formed, I mean why do you think they are so salty?



What would you do im my shoes? I mean really. Here you discover you have this super cool ability to make life....crazy. I gotta sit down.

The Book Of Half Beard : Chapter One



On the first day Half Beard awoke, at noon, he simply stretched his arms and the world was created.



(To be continued, edited, revised, as Half Beard sees fit)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Tale Of 20 Tacos

If you were to delve into the mind of Half Beard, it would be quite a jumbled, incoherent mess of booze-soaked memories, cookie dough, and a ball-gag. Honestly, I am amazed at myself that I can somehow keep my brilliance and lunacy all in check enough to utterly floor you with my wisdom, but not kill you with my wit. That being said, this is what I am thinking of right now:



That’s right bitches, a dude getting kicked in the nuts. Hilarious stuff, right? I know, that’s just how my mind rolls. But trust me, it doesn’t stop there. That is just a snap shot of a moment of time in my brain. The shit goes on. The government tried to tap into this eternal well of knowledge when they had me in Gitmo. Clearly they didn’t succeed. But I digress…



That’s right, muthafukin Potato Oles, bitch. See, the greatness never stops.

By the way, did I ever tell you guys about the time Ol’ Half Beard here was saved by a Taco John’s? Well, bookmark this bitch, because I’m gonna lay it down all right here.

It was back in the late 60s, and I was kicking around in Wyoming. The reason I was in Wyoming escapes me at the moment, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with an almanac, sulfur, and a shit-ton of mushrooms. Either way, I was hiking through the small towns and partially traveled roads. I was walking because my ’63 Buick Riviera took a shit on the side of the road, and, not giving a fuck, I left it on the side of the road for some hobo and/or drifter to lay claim to. Just giving back to the people, my friends.

I’d stop in the towns, go to the local diners and tell the locals of my travels. Most of the time my visits ending in a big parade being held for me, and then about a week’s worth of unhindered binge drinking. Then I would scoop myself back up off the street and keep on going, turning down offers of jobs, houses, and women the whole time. I can’t have that shit tying me down, ya know?

So anyway, I’m enjoying myself, and feeling pretty damn untouchable. But then guess what I run into while taking a short cut to what was sure to be my next great small town adventure:



That’s right. You know what that is? That is an American Bison. You’re thinking “But Half Beard, why would you be frightened of that? It’s basically a hairy cow!” I say, fuck you. You don’t know what you are talking about. The American Bison can be 6 ½ feet tall, 9 feet long, and can weigh up to 2,000 lbs. That is, quite literally, a fucking ton. It is also capable of running 40 miles per hour. And if you piss it off enough, it will gouge you with its fucking horns on top of its massive head. SO yeah, not something you want to fuck around with.

Thankfully, when I stumbled upon this massive creature, it had its back turned to me. Now, knowing what I know of bison, they aren’t normally overly aggressive, so I was cautious, and pretended like I was just going to walk around and go on my way. The bison had other plans though, saw me, and immediately found me to be a threat to its dominance. It looked at me, lowered its head, and, I swear to shit, it sounded like it growled at me. That is not natural. No bison in the history of nature has ever growled, and if they did, it wouldn’t have sounded as horrifying as this.

Well, being Half Beard, I was naturally drunk at the time, and didn’t quite comprehend my predicament. I lowered my head and looked at it, and I growled too. Wrong move. The fucker charged me, and like a matador, I shimmy to the side at the last moment, but instead of stabbing it, I punched it in the chin. It staggered, and almost fell, but didn’t. I looked to my fist in disbelief. How could it have failed me? The bison turned around, lowered its head again, and charged. Being drunk and distracted by the fact that my hand did not for the first time ever dispatch my opponent, the thing barreled into me, square in the half beard. The half beard absorbed most of the damage, but I was still thrown backwards toward the edge of a cliff (which, by the way, is the worst place to be fighting a pissed off bison). So I stagger to my feet, and, having the drunkenness knocked out of me, narrowed my eyes and charged at the turning bison. I jumped on its back, grabbed the hair on its neck, and proceeded to steer the steer towards the cliff, with the intentions of jumping off at the last second as this thing plummets to its demise.

It didn’t happen quite as I had hoped, as my drunkenness returned to me, and I was a bit slow, didn’t jump off, and rode the bison to the ravine floor below. It hit with a splat, and I bounced once, bounced twice, tucked, rolled, and upon planting my feet to stand up, twisted my ankle. Not being able to walk, I bed down for the night.

In the morning I get up and fashion a makeshift crutch out of the bison’s bones. I hobbled my way to the nearest road (about a 2 day trip) and continued on. I kindly old man by the name of Brutus was driving by in his pickup truck and offered me a ride. He drove me into Cheyenne, and, after a long discussion of him wanting me to just keep his truck and me refusing, he dropped me off on a random corner. Now, by this time, I haven’t had anything to eat in about 3 days, and was so hungry I could have eaten the ass out of a skunk.

On the corner was this little restaurant called the Taco House. They were just closing as I step inside and the owner John was saying he just packed everything in, and that I should probably go to the place next door and grab something to eat there. I take a look outside and, not liking what I saw, instantly started to persuade him to fire the grills up and “make me some fucking tacos.” He does so, and I proceed to devour 20 of the most delicious tacos I have ever experienced. He also fried up some round tater tots, saying “they are great with nacho cheese, and complement the spicy taco meat very well.” Holy shit, he wasn’t lying.

Later that same man apparently sold his franchise that became Taco John’s. And I owe him my life. Had he not opened up, I would have had to eat at an Arby’s.



Fuck that.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

What the beef?



Real quick, this lady is....well I dont know what she is, but really? A meat dress? What kind of statement are you really trying to convey? Eat meat? Shit i do that everyday....these stars I tell ya....crazy...

Monday, September 13, 2010

Death &.....Genitalia Washing?

So I'm not usually this political, but sometimes I cant resist.

So I'm driving home from a HBA meeting(you know what it stands for, dont be dumb), and I hear this on the radio. Now I dont know about you, but I've always thought that people should wash their hands before the do their duty in bathroom. I mean when I grab my balls, anytime I grab them, my hands are clean. R.I.P. to Momma Half Beard, but she taught me well, I never piss on my hands when I take a piss, and rarely (im not gonna lie, I've had some bad drunk experiences, act like you havent) do I shit on them when I take a shit. One other thing I feel is important, since I do travel with some pretty rustic women sometimes, is showering after sex.

Here is the point I am trying to make, if your hands or your dick aint clean when you perform these acts, what the hell is the point of cleaning them after?

So here we have our country in dire need of some free condoms and free medical support, yet we are spending millions of our nations tax dollars to teach people to wash themselves after sex. Now I understand the importance of preserving a nation of people. And if my Half Beard could cure AIDS, I would do it. Here's my problem though. We have warning stickers on vcr's so little kids dont stick their god damn hands in them. As a parent if you let child stick their hand in the vcr regardless of the sticker, you are both cruel and ignorant your damn self.

"Watch this Ma, Junior 'bout to stick his hand the V-C-R" "Yea boy you did the same shit when we had that beta-max player".




Needless to say, the problem here is stupidity. Wash your hands and your balls folks.

(not to offend the fairer sex or exclude them, but please also wash the cooter ladies.)

Nuggets of Truth - Terry Jones: Man, Preacher, Ass-hat

OK, I know I already mentioned how much of a douche this guy is, but I just want to lay some things on the line about this posting, and this entire blog in general.

I judge, and I am right.

If I deem someone an asshat, then they are a top-of-the-line quality, Gucci, asshat. The type that celebrities would spend one month's worth of their income just to have a picture taken with it. Betsey Johnson wishes she had designed this asshat. So yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

Also, let it be known that Half Beard is perfect. My ideas are flawless. Much like Fernando Vina's goatee.





Beautiful, isn't it? That being said, if you do find a flaw in my logic or ideas, it is entirely intentional. If you could not find any flaws in ANY idea I had, it would crush your mind. So when you have the urge to try and contradict me, don't. I am already aware, and made it such so it will spare your fragile intellect. All spelling and grammar mistakes is simply me being lazy.

Now, back to the retired Village People guy, Terry Jones.





Seriously man, burning a holy book? I know you pussied out and didn't actually do it, but still, just the fact that you thought it was a good idea is one that baffles even me! Normally I am all about people doing stupid shit, but there is a fine line between "Hey, lets burn some shit with our lighters! It will be fun! Nothing could go wrong!" and "Hey, lets alienate an entire religion of people by publicly destroying the gospel that they hold dear, practically pissing in their dogmatic eye, thus causing them to brim with hatred and associate us and the entire country as infidels, which will probably then cause more destruction and human death in the future! It will be fun! Nothing could go wrong!" Shit, I don't know how drunk i would have to be to even consider this idea.

It all comes down to consequence of actions. You steal something, you got free shit. You steal something and get caught, you get in trouble. You get drunk and fall down the stairs, you lose your baby. You publicly threaten to burn the Koran, people will think you are an asshole.

Now, take from this what you will, and i may be speaking out of both sides of my mouth, but intrinsically, there is nothing wrong with the burning of the Koran. The action itself should cause no emotion whatsoever. It is simply the starting of a natural chemical reaction. It is the emotions and intentions behind that action that I take offense to. Unless there is a SERIOUS fuel shortage that Mr. Terry Jones and the rest of the government neglected to tell us about, there would be no other reason to do this than to spread a message of hate. To do this is to say "I am intolerant of other religions, and I welcome destruction and violence, and I am an all-around dickweed."

Between this crazy religious fuck, and the Islamic crazy religious fucks, and all the other crazy religious fucks, shouldn't we just outlaw religion? Seems like an easy decision. No religion, no reason to get your panties in a bunch. Then we can just go back to the days of crazy people doing crazy shit because they are crazy, not because of religion.



Brought to you by religion.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Back For The First Time

Actually that title makes perfect sense, since when I did leave, I never officially came back until now. HAHA....

So. Muthafukin Half Beard. Thats right, it's me. I know you have missed me, and i'm there are a few of you wondering where I have been. And if you haven't been wondering, well fuck you, die slow.

So my official parting post mentioned some things about the government and them sending me on a "bad spy" like vacation. That happened. However it was far from a vacation. Let me tell you some of the details.

First, I got kidnapped like I was touring through Mexico, however my captors were no match for my Half Beard, I shook those bitches like Mike shook babies.

Second attempt consisted of a big tittie bitch and booze. See the problem with their planning however, was that Half Beard is immune to most drugs, so the roofies she slipped me only made me perform better. You see the exact opposite is true for women, they can not resist the Half Beard. They would've been better off hiring a tranny like Boy George, but I would've just kicked his pussy/dick ass.

Now they say the third times a charm. It wasn't.

After about the 13th try, I honestly just got bored and turned myself in. I said what the fuck is the worst thing they can do to me? Turns out nothing. I mean fuck a water board, in extreme water hazards, my Half Beard just grows gills. I'm like Thor and Aqua Man combined, when I need to be. Shout out to my fellow shape shifters.

Turns out this entire time they wanted to question me about some towers that fell. I'm not one to lie, so I admitted it. Hell yea I knocked them bitches down. I set up the plan and I put into motion. Well if you know anything about our government, you know that was enough for them. Guantanamo Bay - The hardest 9 to 5 you'll ever have, or at least that's what they told me. Shit was easy. I could've left anytime I wanted to, but the other prisoners in there had all sorts of knowledge on bomb building, plane flying and some other shit about virgins I never truly understood. So I soaked up as much knowledge as could while I was there. Turns out, that in my never ending quest for knowledge, I learn that the towers these government bastards were talking about are the Twin Towers from 9/11.

Imagine my surprise. These government fools think I admitted to orchestrating the 9/11 attacks on our country. During my questioning, they never once mentioned those towers specifically. What I was admitting to, was knocking down the towers this little whiny baby was building in the park one day. I swear this kid was retarded or half dead. He just kept building the same fucking towers over and over, they would fall and he would cry. Finally I had enough, whiffle ball bat in hand, I pelted each fucking block across the park. The little goat cried and waddled his little ass over to pick them up while mommy sipped her Starbucks and played with her cell phone.

Don't get me wrong, I suppose I should've asked more questions myself, but they were trying so hard to catch me, that I felt bad for them. I figured I would end the Half and mouse chase and get on with my life. once I figured out the truth, or what they thought was the truth, I busted out of that shit hole. Left those bomb sucking virgin lovers there to rot. Supposedly they will get their day in court, but thats none of my concern. I don't pay taxes.

So there you have it, that is, for the most part where I have been these last few years. The whole tower incident was a tragedy and I'm not trying to make light of it at all, but maybe our government should have hired me to protect them in the first place. Just sayin...

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hopefully the final final test post...

No post should be left behind....

Click the like button, add me as your friend, tell your mom, follow me on twitter...you know the drill

Burn Baby Burn

Half Beard says shame on this asshole:


So apparently this jackass has been pressured by the man to stop his book burning.
Check the story here

As you all know, Half Beard is his own religion. So I have no beef with people who want to burn books of a different religion, mainly because the "Book Of Half Beard" wrote those books in the first place. That's right, even the "Book Of Half Beard" writes books.

What really pisses Half Beard off though is this guy making such a big deal out of this and really trying to stick it to people's emotions. Now we find out he's calling the whole thing off. Pussy. Fight for your right man. Half Beard lost Half his Beard so you could be free. So you could say what you want, when you want and how the fuck you want. Somebody assassinate this idiot before the government does.

The Most Interesting Man?



So I've been away for abit...and I'm back now. They got this cool service called Google. So I run a search for myself. This bozo shows up. Now I don't know who the fuck he thinks he is, but he def isnt a Half Beard. We all know that Half Beards, particularly myself, are by far the most interesting bastards on the planet. Scroll down and read some of our previous posts. We've been gone, but we got stories to tell. So stay tuned.

Soundtrack of life:

One more test...



Half Beard Android ftw!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Test Post


Back like I never left...

Test Post


Back like I never left...