Tuesday, September 21, 2010

In The Time Of Chimpanzees....

I was a Half Beard. I am a Half Beard. I am the Half Beard.

A few days have passed since my last confession. In that time I have done absolutely nothing productive. As a Half Beard I feel a certain level of responsibility
towards certain things that happen or can happen or could happen. But also as Half Beard, I feel like I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Taking a few days off is okay, and if you dont like it, too fucking bad.

Ok, so maybe I got your attention now. Lets get on with the getting on.

I'm really at a loss for words right now. Not in the sense that I have been shocked by something and it has taken away my voice, or not in the way where raged vigilantes cut out your tongue because they think you're the enemy. More in the way that I truly can not think of anything to write here that would be semi entertaining and or abusive. You would think that after a few days of doing nothing, I would have all sorts of shit to say. But maybe you misunderstood me when I said I did nothing. I mean I really sat in my studio apartment for the last three days and did nothing. Sure I ate, drank, shit, and slept. Where's the story in that?
Sure I could tell you about the spider I captured and let die of starvation, but I think that's probably only entertaining to me, I hate spiders by the way, and I'm sure there is some kind of M.others A.gainst S.pider T.orture group floating around. I could also tell you how I watched all the Star Wars movies back to back, then I watched all the Star Trek movies back to back, then had a interesting argument with the spider about who's food was better. The Replicator won. I could tell you about the many female visitors I had, but then you would owe me money. This might be what they call writers block, I dont know though, I'm not a writer, I merely think and the words appear.
However I will tell you this, I did learn that being too lazy to go to the store and buying some butter and then cooking with Vaseline, is not a good thing. It gives everything that taste like you just got done chewing on a balloon for an hour. That rubbery dirty taste, you know when you were a kid and you had that balloon for days, and everyone of your friends played with it. You kicked it around outside, rubbed it on your hair and stuck it to the wall, your cat. Then you decided to use it as a pillow and it popped. You wanted gum, but all you had was the popped balloon, you know that moment, when you shrug and put the popped remains in your mouth and start chewing. After about a minute you have to pull the knot off, it just doesnt chew right. And of course you try and blow a bubble, which works, but hurts your jaw. Thats when it happens, you actually start to taste the balloon, rubber, sweat, dirt, cat fur....kind of bitter and salty all at the same time. Then it starts to suck up all the moisture in your mouth, its almost as if at this point you are chewing on your tongue.

Well thats what food tastes like when you cook with vaseline. At least thats what happened to me.

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