Back For The First Time

Actually that title makes perfect sense, since when I did leave, I never officially came back until now. HAHA....

So. Muthafukin Half Beard. Thats right, it's me. I know you have missed me, and i'm there are a few of you wondering where I have been. And if you haven't been wondering, well fuck you, die slow.

So my official parting post mentioned some things about the government and them sending me on a "bad spy" like vacation. That happened. However it was far from a vacation. Let me tell you some of the details.

First, I got kidnapped like I was touring through Mexico, however my captors were no match for my Half Beard, I shook those bitches like Mike shook babies.

Second attempt consisted of a big tittie bitch and booze. See the problem with their planning however, was that Half Beard is immune to most drugs, so the roofies she slipped me only made me perform better. You see the exact opposite is true for women, they can not resist the Half Beard. They would've been better off hiring a tranny like Boy George, but I would've just kicked his pussy/dick ass.

Now they say the third times a charm. It wasn't.

After about the 13th try, I honestly just got bored and turned myself in. I said what the fuck is the worst thing they can do to me? Turns out nothing. I mean fuck a water board, in extreme water hazards, my Half Beard just grows gills. I'm like Thor and Aqua Man combined, when I need to be. Shout out to my fellow shape shifters.

Turns out this entire time they wanted to question me about some towers that fell. I'm not one to lie, so I admitted it. Hell yea I knocked them bitches down. I set up the plan and I put into motion. Well if you know anything about our government, you know that was enough for them. Guantanamo Bay - The hardest 9 to 5 you'll ever have, or at least that's what they told me. Shit was easy. I could've left anytime I wanted to, but the other prisoners in there had all sorts of knowledge on bomb building, plane flying and some other shit about virgins I never truly understood. So I soaked up as much knowledge as could while I was there. Turns out, that in my never ending quest for knowledge, I learn that the towers these government bastards were talking about are the Twin Towers from 9/11.

Imagine my surprise. These government fools think I admitted to orchestrating the 9/11 attacks on our country. During my questioning, they never once mentioned those towers specifically. What I was admitting to, was knocking down the towers this little whiny baby was building in the park one day. I swear this kid was retarded or half dead. He just kept building the same fucking towers over and over, they would fall and he would cry. Finally I had enough, whiffle ball bat in hand, I pelted each fucking block across the park. The little goat cried and waddled his little ass over to pick them up while mommy sipped her Starbucks and played with her cell phone.

Don't get me wrong, I suppose I should've asked more questions myself, but they were trying so hard to catch me, that I felt bad for them. I figured I would end the Half and mouse chase and get on with my life. once I figured out the truth, or what they thought was the truth, I busted out of that shit hole. Left those bomb sucking virgin lovers there to rot. Supposedly they will get their day in court, but thats none of my concern. I don't pay taxes.

So there you have it, that is, for the most part where I have been these last few years. The whole tower incident was a tragedy and I'm not trying to make light of it at all, but maybe our government should have hired me to protect them in the first place. Just sayin...