The Legend of Half Beard

That One Day...

2010-10-11T20:50:00.004-05:00

You know that one day, that one that always sticks with ya? The one that you can always use as a great story when meeting new people. Yea you know.

Well let me tell you about one of those days. I have many, being a Half Beard n all.

Like usual, there I was minding my own business, trying to eat breakfast. Now I dont normally get up that early, so eating a good breakfast, when it happens, is kind of a big deal to me. Triple stack, bacon, sausage, over easy eggs, some biscuits n gravy, and a waffle. Yep, just one waffle, a little whip cream and strawberries. This is the kind of breakfast that you get when you have been out drinking all night, fat greasy goodness.

So im about halfway through my meal when the waitress comes over, she's the one thats way too old, way too fat, and way too fuckin dirty to be serving food products. She says to me, in that Janice Joplin voice:
"Hey hon, dhose two guys at da bar, dhey been askin bout you, askin me if i knows you n shit."
"So what did you tell them?"
"Listen muthafucka, I already got dhem guys askin me questions, I dont need you doin da same, Ima tell you what im told em when im ready..."
"So why the hell did you bring it up, if you arent gonna tell me?"
"Pshh, impatient ass muthafucka aint ya, listen, I dont know you from nothin, that's what I told dhem, mattafact i aint got no time for dhis bullshit, you gonna tip me or what? My shift ova."

I did tip her, and while her attitude was shitty, she did find a decent bone in her gut to tell me these black suit guys were asking about me.

There goes my great breakfast. Right.

I bet your probably wondering how I got out the restaurant, your thinking im on some Jason Bourne type shit? Nope, i aint Batman either. It's always just me and my Half Beard, i have no fancy gadgets, no utility belt, no fuckin cape.
This is what i did, i had the waitress bring the manager to my table. I told him his fatass waitress deserved a raise for being the least dirtiest staff member he had in the building. Then i informed him that those two suits were celebrating their birthdays, twin brothers i told him. This wasnt exactly an Applebees, but they got the staff together and brought them a cake, surrounded them and sang a horribly off key version of Happy Birthday. I slipped out the back.

Running down the alley, im trying to figure out who these guys are and why they were asking about me. I've been fairly low key lately.

to be continued....

Sowtf'suppeoplezwhereuat?

2010-09-29T23:36:00.003-05:00

Cruisin down the street in my six-fo’ Jockin the bitches, slappin the hoes, Went to the park to get the sco....

Umm so you ever watch a horror movie and just get pissed they try so hard to make you glad the people who died deserved it? Well Half Beard just watched the movie "Piranha", and well thats the exact shit that happened...

I hate you Hollywood.

Sesame Street Girls, They'll Melt Your Eyeballs....And Distort Your Perception?

2010-09-23T22:57:00.005-05:00

Here's my take on this: Nobody really watches Sesame Street anymore, they needed some publicity, what better way to do it than by having a tittie popping Katy Perry run around with every kids favorite giggle monster, Elmo. In the process they piss off some stiff ass parents, who at night probably watch fuckin Super Nanny trying to figure out why their kids don't listen to them.

The only real problem I have is that now they wont air the episode on their up coming season. But they did put it on youtube, which we all know the internet is safer than living room tv right? The video has already grabbed over a quarter million views, and I highly doubt any children between the ages of 3 and 6 were sitting at their parents pc giggling away and pointing and laughing at her bouncing tits. Also I would like to say that if your kid's are any older than that and still watching Sesame Street, Super Nanny cant help you.
Did you know Queen Latifah is a lesbian? She was on Sesame Street. Miss Sex and the city star Sarah Jessica Parker was on Sesame Street. Michelle Obama, Adam Sandler, Katie fuckin Couric. Your children dont know who any of these people are, all they care about is the fun songs, the big yellow bird, and the little red tickle me toy. Who by the way runs around naked in every episode, and would be a great name for a woman's play thing.

All Half Beard is saying here folks, is quit being so goddamned sensitive all the time, and to Sesame Street: If you need some more viewers, add some trippy video scenes, so that when mommy or daddy is all zoned out on zoloft, they will actually spend some time with their kids and watch the show with them, instead of having the show watch them.

Watch The Video

In The Time Of Chimpanzees....

2010-09-21T23:08:00.003-05:00

I was a Half Beard. I am a Half Beard. I am the Half Beard.

A few days have passed since my last confession. In that time I have done absolutely nothing productive. As a Half Beard I feel a certain level of responsibility
towards certain things that happen or can happen or could happen. But also as Half Beard, I feel like I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Taking a few days off is okay, and if you dont like it, too fucking bad.

Ok, so maybe I got your attention now. Lets get on with the getting on.

I'm really at a loss for words right now. Not in the sense that I have been shocked by something and it has taken away my voice, or not in the way where raged vigilantes cut out your tongue because they think you're the enemy. More in the way that I truly can not think of anything to write here that would be semi entertaining and or abusive. You would think that after a few days of doing nothing, I would have all sorts of shit to say. But maybe you misunderstood me when I said I did nothing. I mean I really sat in my studio apartment for the last three days and did nothing. Sure I ate, drank, shit, and slept. Where's the story in that?
Sure I could tell you about the spider I captured and let die of starvation, but I think that's probably only entertaining to me, I hate spiders by the way, and I'm sure there is some kind of M.others A.gainst S.pider T.orture group floating around. I could also tell you how I watched all the Star Wars movies back to back, then I watched all the Star Trek movies back to back, then had a interesting argument with the spider about who's food was better. The Replicator won. I could tell you about the many female visitors I had, but then you would owe me money. This might be what they call writers block, I dont know though, I'm not a writer, I merely think and the words appear.
However I will tell you this, I did learn that being too lazy to go to the store and buying some butter and then cooking with Vaseline, is not a good thing. It gives everything that taste like you just got done chewing on a balloon for an hour. That rubbery dirty taste, you know when you were a kid and you had that balloon for days, and everyone of your friends played with it. You kicked it around outside, rubbed it on your hair and stuck it to the wall, your cat. Then you decided to use it as a pillow and it popped. You wanted gum, but all you had was the popped balloon, you know that moment, when you shrug and put the popped remains in your mouth and start chewing. After about a minute you have to pull the knot off, it just doesnt chew right. And of course you try and blow a bubble, which works, but hurts your jaw. Thats when it happens, you actually start to taste the balloon, rubber, sweat, dirt, cat fur....kind of bitter and salty all at the same time. Then it starts to suck up all the moisture in your mouth, its almost as if at this point you are chewing on your tongue.

Well thats what food tastes like when you cook with vaseline. At least thats what happened to me.

The Book Of Half Beard : Chapter Two

2010-09-16T20:22:00.003-05:00

So here we are at Chapter 2 already. Pretty easy life, this Half Beard-ness. Woke up, created a planet, shot gunned a 6 pack of some Natty's. Went back to sleep. Ahhh. Dont hate on the Natty either, creating life n shit aint easy, and it definitely doesnt pay well.

After another night of booze and porcupine fights, I decide that my little planet is missing something. I scratch my Half Beard in thought, a few whiskers fall the to earth, low and behold trees and grass begin to grow. I have to admit at this point im slightly hung over and this is all pretty fuckin amazing to me. So I start to play around with this new found "Sim". I just happen to have what they call "bar elbows", so i scrape a few dead flakes of skin off....*poof* I now have deserts on my little ball of randomness. This next one is probably a little weird, but shit I couldnt resist, i start digging up my nose, and well lets just say now we have mountains. A few loogies hawk'd and we got a few lakes. Then it hit me, I seriously laughed out loud. Pure genius I thought to myself. And well, after a night of drinking what did you expect? I hope by now you have guessed how the oceans were formed, I mean why do you think they are so salty?

What would you do im my shoes? I mean really. Here you discover you have this super cool ability to make life....crazy. I gotta sit down.

The Book Of Half Beard : Chapter One

2010-09-16T09:50:00.002-05:00

On the first day Half Beard awoke, at noon, he simply stretched his arms and the world was created.

(To be continued, edited, revised, as Half Beard sees fit)

A Tale Of 20 Tacos

2010-09-15T13:17:00.006-05:00

If you were to delve into the mind of Half Beard, it would be quite a jumbled, incoherent mess of booze-soaked memories, cookie dough, and a ball-gag. Honestly, I am amazed at myself that I can somehow keep my brilliance and lunacy all in check enough to utterly floor you with my wisdom, but not kill you with my wit. That being said, this is what I am thinking of right now:

That’s right bitches, a dude getting kicked in the nuts. Hilarious stuff, right? I know, that’s just how my mind rolls. But trust me, it doesn’t stop there. That is just a snap shot of a moment of time in my brain. The shit goes on. The government tried to tap into this eternal well of knowledge when they had me in Gitmo. Clearly they didn’t succeed. But I digress…

That’s right, muthafukin Potato Oles, bitch. See, the greatness never stops.

By the way, did I ever tell you guys about the time Ol’ Half Beard here was saved by a Taco John’s? Well, bookmark this bitch, because I’m gonna lay it down all right here.

It was back in the late 60s, and I was kicking around in Wyoming. The reason I was in Wyoming escapes me at the moment, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with an almanac, sulfur, and a shit-ton of mushrooms. Either way, I was hiking through the small towns and partially traveled roads. I was walking because my ’63 Buick Riviera took a shit on the side of the road, and, not giving a fuck, I left it on the side of the road for some hobo and/or drifter to lay claim to. Just giving back to the people, my friends.

I’d stop in the towns, go to the local diners and tell the locals of my travels. Most of the time my visits ending in a big parade being held for me, and then about a week’s worth of unhindered binge drinking. Then I would scoop myself back up off the street and keep on going, turning down offers of jobs, houses, and women the whole time. I can’t have that shit tying me down, ya know?

So anyway, I’m enjoying myself, and feeling pretty damn untouchable. But then guess what I run into while taking a short cut to what was sure to be my next great small town adventure:

That’s right. You know what that is? That is an American Bison. You’re thinking “But Half Beard, why would you be frightened of that? It’s basically a hairy cow!” I say, fuck you. You don’t know what you are talking about. The American Bison can be 6 ½ feet tall, 9 feet long, and can weigh up to 2,000 lbs. That is, quite literally, a fucking ton. It is also capable of running 40 miles per hour. And if you piss it off enough, it will gouge you with its fucking horns on top of its massive head. SO yeah, not something you want to fuck around with.

Thankfully, when I stumbled upon this massive creature, it had its back turned to me. Now, knowing what I know of bison, they aren’t normally overly aggressive, so I was cautious, and pretended like I was just going to walk around and go on my way. The bison had other plans though, saw me, and immediately found me to be a threat to its dominance. It looked at me, lowered its head, and, I swear to shit, it sounded like it growled at me. That is not natural. No bison in the history of nature has ever growled, and if they did, it wouldn’t have sounded as horrifying as this.

Well, being Half Beard, I was naturally drunk at the time, and didn’t quite comprehend my predicament. I lowered my head and looked at it, and I growled too. Wrong move. The fucker charged me, and like a matador, I shimmy to the side at the last moment, but instead of stabbing it, I punched it in the chin. It staggered, and almost fell, but didn’t. I looked to my fist in disbelief. How could it have failed me? The bison turned around, lowered its head again, and charged. Being drunk and distracted by the fact that my hand did not for the first time ever dispatch my opponent, the thing barreled into me, square in the half beard. The half beard absorbed most of the damage, but I was still thrown backwards toward the edge of a cliff (which, by the way, is the worst place to be fighting a pissed off bison). So I stagger to my feet, and, having the drunkenness knocked out of me, narrowed my eyes and charged at the turning bison. I jumped on its back, grabbed the hair on its neck, and proceeded to steer the steer towards the cliff, with the intentions of jumping off at the last second as this thing plummets to its demise.

It didn’t happen quite as I had hoped, as my drunkenness returned to me, and I was a bit slow, didn’t jump off, and rode the bison to the ravine floor below. It hit with a splat, and I bounced once, bounced twice, tucked, rolled, and upon planting my feet to stand up, twisted my ankle. Not being able to walk, I bed down for the night.

In the morning I get up and fashion a makeshift crutch out of the bison’s bones. I hobbled my way to the nearest road (about a 2 day trip) and continued on. I kindly old man by the name of Brutus was driving by in his pickup truck and offered me a ride. He drove me into Cheyenne, and, after a long discussion of him wanting me to just keep his truck and me refusing, he dropped me off on a random corner. Now, by this time, I haven’t had anything to eat in about 3 days, and was so hungry I could have eaten the ass out of a skunk.

On the corner was this little restaurant called the Taco House. They were just closing as I step inside and the owner John was saying he just packed everything in, and that I should probably go to the place next door and grab something to eat there. I take a look outside and, not liking what I saw, instantly started to persuade him to fire the grills up and “make me some fucking tacos.” He does so, and I proceed to devour 20 of the most delicious tacos I have ever experienced. He also fried up some round tater tots, saying “they are great with nacho cheese, and complement the spicy taco meat very well.” Holy shit, he wasn’t lying.

Later that same man apparently sold his franchise that became Taco John’s. And I owe him my life. Had he not opened up, I would have had to eat at an Arby’s.

Fuck that.

What the beef?

2010-09-14T17:43:00.003-05:00

Real quick, this lady is....well I dont know what she is, but really? A meat dress? What kind of statement are you really trying to convey? Eat meat? Shit i do that everyday....these stars I tell ya....crazy...

Death &.....Genitalia Washing?

2010-09-13T17:18:00.004-05:00

So I'm not usually this political, but sometimes I cant resist.

So I'm driving home from a HBA meeting(you know what it stands for, dont be dumb), and I hear this on the radio. Now I dont know about you, but I've always thought that people should wash their hands before the do their duty in bathroom. I mean when I grab my balls, anytime I grab them, my hands are clean. R.I.P. to Momma Half Beard, but she taught me well, I never piss on my hands when I take a piss, and rarely (im not gonna lie, I've had some bad drunk experiences, act like you havent) do I shit on them when I take a shit. One other thing I feel is important, since I do travel with some pretty rustic women sometimes, is showering after sex.

Here is the point I am trying to make, if your hands or your dick aint clean when you perform these acts, what the hell is the point of cleaning them after?

So here we have our country in dire need of some free condoms and free medical support, yet we are spending millions of our nations tax dollars to teach people to wash themselves after sex. Now I understand the importance of preserving a nation of people. And if my Half Beard could cure AIDS, I would do it. Here's my problem though. We have warning stickers on vcr's so little kids dont stick their god damn hands in them. As a parent if you let child stick their hand in the vcr regardless of the sticker, you are both cruel and ignorant your damn self.

"Watch this Ma, Junior 'bout to stick his hand the V-C-R" "Yea boy you did the same shit when we had that beta-max player".

Needless to say, the problem here is stupidity. Wash your hands and your balls folks.

(not to offend the fairer sex or exclude them, but please also wash the cooter ladies.)

Original Article

Nuggets of Truth - Terry Jones: Man, Preacher, Ass-hat

2010-09-13T09:49:00.005-05:00

OK, I know I already mentioned how much of a douche this guy is, but I just want to lay some things on the line about this posting, and this entire blog in general.

I judge, and I am right.

If I deem someone an asshat, then they are a top-of-the-line quality, Gucci, asshat. The type that celebrities would spend one month's worth of their income just to have a picture taken with it. Betsey Johnson wishes she had designed this asshat. So yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

Also, let it be known that Half Beard is perfect. My ideas are flawless. Much like Fernando Vina's goatee.

Beautiful, isn't it? That being said, if you do find a flaw in my logic or ideas, it is entirely intentional. If you could not find any flaws in ANY idea I had, it would crush your mind. So when you have the urge to try and contradict me, don't. I am already aware, and made it such so it will spare your fragile intellect. All spelling and grammar mistakes is simply me being lazy.

Now, back to the retired Village People guy, Terry Jones.

Seriously man, burning a holy book? I know you pussied out and didn't actually do it, but still, just the fact that you thought it was a good idea is one that baffles even me! Normally I am all about people doing stupid shit, but there is a fine line between "Hey, lets burn some shit with our lighters! It will be fun! Nothing could go wrong!" and "Hey, lets alienate an entire religion of people by publicly destroying the gospel that they hold dear, practically pissing in their dogmatic eye, thus causing them to brim with hatred and associate us and the entire country as infidels, which will probably then cause more destruction and human death in the future! It will be fun! Nothing could go wrong!" Shit, I don't know how drunk i would have to be to even consider this idea.

It all comes down to consequence of actions. You steal something, you got free shit. You steal something and get caught, you get in trouble. You get drunk and fall down the stairs, you lose your baby. You publicly threaten to burn the Koran, people will think you are an asshole.

Now, take from this what you will, and i may be speaking out of both sides of my mouth, but intrinsically, there is nothing wrong with the burning of the Koran. The action itself should cause no emotion whatsoever. It is simply the starting of a natural chemical reaction. It is the emotions and intentions behind that action that I take offense to. Unless there is a SERIOUS fuel shortage that Mr. Terry Jones and the rest of the government neglected to tell us about, there would be no other reason to do this than to spread a message of hate. To do this is to say "I am intolerant of other religions, and I welcome destruction and violence, and I am an all-around dickweed."

Between this crazy religious fuck, and the Islamic crazy religious fucks, and all the other crazy religious fucks, shouldn't we just outlaw religion? Seems like an easy decision. No religion, no reason to get your panties in a bunch. Then we can just go back to the days of crazy people doing crazy shit because they are crazy, not because of religion.

Brought to you by religion.

Back For The First Time

2010-09-11T22:36:00.003-05:00

Actually that title makes perfect sense, since when I did leave, I never officially came back until now. HAHA....

So. Muthafukin Half Beard. Thats right, it's me. I know you have missed me, and i'm there are a few of you wondering where I have been. And if you haven't been wondering, well fuck you, die slow.

So my official parting post mentioned some things about the government and them sending me on a "bad spy" like vacation. That happened. However it was far from a vacation. Let me tell you some of the details.

First, I got kidnapped like I was touring through Mexico, however my captors were no match for my Half Beard, I shook those bitches like Mike shook babies.

Second attempt consisted of a big tittie bitch and booze. See the problem with their planning however, was that Half Beard is immune to most drugs, so the roofies she slipped me only made me perform better. You see the exact opposite is true for women, they can not resist the Half Beard. They would've been better off hiring a tranny like Boy George, but I would've just kicked his pussy/dick ass.

Now they say the third times a charm. It wasn't.

After about the 13th try, I honestly just got bored and turned myself in. I said what the fuck is the worst thing they can do to me? Turns out nothing. I mean fuck a water board, in extreme water hazards, my Half Beard just grows gills. I'm like Thor and Aqua Man combined, when I need to be. Shout out to my fellow shape shifters.

Turns out this entire time they wanted to question me about some towers that fell. I'm not one to lie, so I admitted it. Hell yea I knocked them bitches down. I set up the plan and I put into motion. Well if you know anything about our government, you know that was enough for them. Guantanamo Bay - The hardest 9 to 5 you'll ever have, or at least that's what they told me. Shit was easy. I could've left anytime I wanted to, but the other prisoners in there had all sorts of knowledge on bomb building, plane flying and some other shit about virgins I never truly understood. So I soaked up as much knowledge as could while I was there. Turns out, that in my never ending quest for knowledge, I learn that the towers these government bastards were talking about are the Twin Towers from 9/11.

Imagine my surprise. These government fools think I admitted to orchestrating the 9/11 attacks on our country. During my questioning, they never once mentioned those towers specifically. What I was admitting to, was knocking down the towers this little whiny baby was building in the park one day. I swear this kid was retarded or half dead. He just kept building the same fucking towers over and over, they would fall and he would cry. Finally I had enough, whiffle ball bat in hand, I pelted each fucking block across the park. The little goat cried and waddled his little ass over to pick them up while mommy sipped her Starbucks and played with her cell phone.

Don't get me wrong, I suppose I should've asked more questions myself, but they were trying so hard to catch me, that I felt bad for them. I figured I would end the Half and mouse chase and get on with my life. once I figured out the truth, or what they thought was the truth, I busted out of that shit hole. Left those bomb sucking virgin lovers there to rot. Supposedly they will get their day in court, but thats none of my concern. I don't pay taxes.

So there you have it, that is, for the most part where I have been these last few years. The whole tower incident was a tragedy and I'm not trying to make light of it at all, but maybe our government should have hired me to protect them in the first place. Just sayin...

Hopefully the final final test post...

2010-09-10T21:10:00.003-05:00

No post should be left behind....

Click the like button, add me as your friend, tell your mom, follow me on twitter...you know the drill

Burn Baby Burn

2010-09-10T20:46:00.005-05:00

Half Beard says shame on this asshole:

So apparently this jackass has been pressured by the man to stop his book burning.
Check the story here

As you all know, Half Beard is his own religion. So I have no beef with people who want to burn books of a different religion, mainly because the "Book Of Half Beard" wrote those books in the first place. That's right, even the "Book Of Half Beard" writes books.

What really pisses Half Beard off though is this guy making such a big deal out of this and really trying to stick it to people's emotions. Now we find out he's calling the whole thing off. Pussy. Fight for your right man. Half Beard lost Half his Beard so you could be free. So you could say what you want, when you want and how the fuck you want. Somebody assassinate this idiot before the government does.

The Most Interesting Man?

2010-09-10T12:43:00.002-05:00

So I've been away for abit...and I'm back now. They got this cool service called Google. So I run a search for myself. This bozo shows up. Now I don't know who the fuck he thinks he is, but he def isnt a Half Beard. We all know that Half Beards, particularly myself, are by far the most interesting bastards on the planet. Scroll down and read some of our previous posts. We've been gone, but we got stories to tell. So stay tuned.

Soundtrack of life:

2010-09-10T07:20:00.001-05:00

One more test...

2010-09-10T00:56:00.001-05:00

Half Beard Android ftw!

Test Post

2010-09-09T23:47:00.003-05:00

Back like I never left...

Test Post

2010-09-09T23:47:00.001-05:00

Back like I never left...

2008-11-04T22:46:00.001-06:00

Don't even try to me tell me you didn't know....

Congratulations Barack Obama...It's about time this country comes to it's senses.

2008-10-08T11:30:00.002-05:00

I have some sad news folks...the saga that is Half Beard must come to a halt. Actually the saga continues, but my posting here about those saga's must come to a halt. It appears that the government is upset about some of my posts. You see talking about things like Bigfoot, and Famous Half Beards in history, not to mention exposing the fact that there are indeed crazy Half Beards running around shaving other Half beards, has drawn some problems with National Security. Apparently I said too much and must be silenced. They are sending me on a vacation, somewhere cold I think. The blog will remain open until I return. When will I return? I do not know. Until then, I bid you farewell.

2008-10-08T09:43:00.002-05:00

***UPDATE***
The beef has been squashed....
Officially there was no response other than "Boosh" from the infamous DJ EMI. I am not entirely sure what that means, but I do feel threatened. Even I, Half Beard, has his limitations. Funny little children talking in funny languages definitely frighten me.

2008-10-07T12:12:00.002-05:00

Wannabe DJ's beware.....The picture you see above is none other than DJ EMI...oh yea that's right, you betta recognize...This dude works over at Hear It First...a very respected and dominant music site...I truly suggest checking it out if you like hip hop.
But let me get back to the matter at hand....
This dude DJ EMI....has some of the most amazing DJ'ing skillz I have ever seen...now unless you are real DJ you may not know the next terms i am about to use...
No one in today's DJ world can CUT,PASTE, and POST like this dude here...I've witnessed the skillz first hand...I've seen singles pop up one after another, all day long...just hit the refresh button..."Posted by DJ EMI"....
So I send one more warning to all you wannabe DJ's out there...unless you have mastered the art of CUT,PASTE, and POST...just kill yourself, no one does it better than DJ EMI...

My name is Half Beard and I support this message.
Please visit Hear It First, and let DJ EMI know how you feel.
P.S. You asked for this....lmao.

2008-10-04T22:32:00.003-05:00

So it's official, Kimbo Slice is not a Half Beard. For awhile I thought he was a Half Beard in disguise, but after tonight's fight, a 14 second knock out by Seth Petruzelli, who I might add did a great job, it's more than obvious Kimbo needs more training.
Ken Shamrock obviously was worried and scared shitless about fighting Kimbo.
I mean come on, Ken has been in MMA since the beginning of UFC, the guy knows better than to spar hard the night before a fight.
And please let's not take anything away from Seth Petruzelli, he is a MMA fighter. He trained, and is obviously more skilled than Kimbo. Also I think it needs to be mentioned that he was humble as hell. He could have said so many things, first about all the Kimbo hype, second about his 14 second domination, but he didn't. In true MMA fashion he spoke the reality of the situation: Neither one of them trained for "that" fight tonight...Seth however showed he was the better fighter. So much for Kimbo's mantra of "whoever, whenever, where ever".
I know this is my second post MMA related, and for those that are here for humor, I apologize, but stay tuned, regular programming will resume.

2008-09-19T18:01:00.004-05:00

So there I was, walking through the tunnel, crowd screaming, music blasting, security on the sides, I can see the light, it's getting closer, this is the moment we have been waiting for, as we enter the light, hands come raining down, the crowd gets louder, this is the moment that will define us, our team, our training, our judgment, our future, all the months of training, the Half Beard sparring, if you can beat a Half Beard, no one stands in your way, except maybe another Half Beard, as we walk the questions come: Did we take this too lightly? Did we train too hard? Are we too confident? Are those titties real? Is that a man or a woman? Shit.
Ok..time for the pep talk..I tell him listen man, you got this...this is a cake walk for us, your gonna breeze through this motherfucker just you always do...you are the fuckin man! There is no question that dude ain't got what it takes to beat you...how the fuck could he? He can't thats the bottom line. Now get in there and fuck him up.
So I stand outside the Ocho, Half Beard nicely trimmed, heart racing, as it always does about this time. Again the second guessing comes into play, I mean a Half Beard training regimen ain't no joke. We had him grow a full beard, under water. Beard pull ups, push ups, then the sparring. 3 hours straight non stop spinning Half Beards, Superman Half Beards, Half Beard guillotines, listen you name the shit we did it. We covered all the bases.
Ok...first round over...man that dude dances way too much...I tell him...dude just bring him the action...takes this dude out...this is your future man...right now.

OMG WTF OMG WTF

Well guess the fuck what...........

2008-09-16T21:08:00.003-05:00

Here's a little story that I'd like to tell
about a little Half Beard
crazy as hell
It started way back in history
Living on a planet with no visible trees,
I lived with my mom
we stayed underground
i had a bunch of tools
i liked to tinker around
I built myself a robot
he followed me around

One day a man came talkin bout the end
he said i was the savior
I said Im just a Half Beard
i'll see ya later

He said no way
you need to do me a favor
Come back with me and see your mom later
We got to start your training to become the balance
the force needs you
so stop with the antics..

I had no choice
we loaded on his ship
we got to the council
it was a short trip
he wouldnt let me fly or
even touch the console

A bunch of old dudes sittin in a circle
one was green
like a mutant turtle
the green one said
in his weird voice
what a choice made have you my friend
a little Half Beard brought us you have
Sense much fear
I do in him
balance to the force he will not bring..

Obi Won says to the little wrinkled turtle
i know his Half Beard is nothin but stubble
He will bring balance to the force
not trouble
Lets start his training
on the double

So this starts a story
about my life
bringing balance to the force
leaving out the strife
come back soon
stop staring at the moon
i hope you were able
to figure out the tune...

Part 1?

2008-09-10T07:53:00.012-05:00

Something a little Half Beard-ish....enjoy!
(hint:shave him fully)
Sorry folks, I had to remove the Shaving Game...the noise it made was driving me nutz.
You can find the Game HERE.

2008-09-03T12:56:00.002-05:00

"In a world, where Half of my Beard was totally gone, a new wind was about to blow, no more shaving, this time it's for real."
"Throughout history man has marveled at the vast complexity of the Half Beard, without a single unified voice, humanity has been left searching for answers to the origin of the Half Beard, now one man has the power to change that, and that man is me, Half Beard!"
"Grab your joystick, the 80's are back, it's Half Beard, blogging this year."
"In a time when Half Beard is unavailable, one email holds the key to your communication with him."
"This day, blogger.com presents Half Beard the blogger, and the biggest load of bull blog ever, in the blogging event 28 years in the making."

R.I.P. Don LaFontaine 1940- 2008

2008-08-28T09:37:00.004-05:00

Anti-Half Beard? Hola, Bojour, Hi Haters...
More like Anti-Piracy...
I feel like expressing an opinion right now, no story, no legend, that shit will come later.
Maybe a brief history...I have been downloading illegal copies of all sorts of shit since the days of dial-up...cue sound

However I would like to point out that if I really enjoy an artist and the work they do, I will pay money for their work. It's rare, but I will.
I would like to talk about two artists, that I believe are doing things right. What is right, you ask? Well look, once a media, take music for example, becomes so FREELY available, it becomes harder for that artist to be motivated to make more music. Take Hip Hop for example, records sales have never been lower than they are now. Everyday though new Hip Hop is leaked on the internet or available for free download some where.
I feel like all these artists are trying to make a hit record, to make that fast cash. And I don't blame them, who knows, maybe some day Half Beard will make a record...can you hear it?
My problem with all this music being released on a daily is that it is starting to lose its originality. Generally it all sounds the same, change the beat up a little, rearrange the lyrics, recycle those rhymes...It's like a god damn production line.
But let me get on task and talk about these two very different ends of the spectrum, but with the very same goals in mind.
Chamillionaire - if you don't know, Google bitches.
Metallica - again if you don't know...actually if you ain't never heard of Metallica, go kill yourself.
So both of these artists are doing what is called "building hype" for their new albums. Dropping singles before the actual album releases. Now how does this differ from most artists? Well generally an album will leak way before it's actual release date. See:Young Jeezy, The Game, Guns & Roses(which really hasn't fully leaked, and really who cares anymore). These are just a few examples.
Now Chamillionaire has done something genius as far as I am concerned. He stated that his new mixtape would be available for free on his website. It's not. And as of right now, as far as I know, It's not available anywhere for free online. You know he made money this way. For those that simply could not wait, they bought the album online. Obviously no one has it yet. Or it would be available. Maybe some people do have it, and just won't rip it, who knows. All I know is that I am probably going to buy it, and I haven't bought a cd in years.
Metallica...same kind of scenario, but they have been pretty much the pioneers in this whole anti-piracy thing. But as of late they have been quoted saying they are trying to use the internet to their advantage. Google them and see for yourself the ways they are using the internet. Exclusive listening sessions online, etc.
The reality of all this, and the point of my post is that artists need the internet.
People like DJ khaled say "Fuck you bloggers...", while artists like Joe Budden start internet revolutions by broadcasting live studio sessions.
The internet is not going anywhere, bloggers and nerds and pirates are not going anywhere, once people have a hard copy of your music, it's going to be online, its just a matter of time.
These artists that have their music leaked(S.L.U. see music previous post), need to take these guys as an example, if you didn't leak it yourself, someone close to you did. You want to stop piracy? Call chamillionaire and ask him how his new shit, a mixtape, didn't get leaked early. Ask Metallica why their new shit hasn't leaked yet.
Music needs the internet, but it also needs new creativity. You have to give people a reason to buy your shit.
I apologize for this post in advance, I know it is a little far off from my usual topic, but hey I'm Half Beard, I do what the fuck I want, I ain't scared of you(R.I.P. Bernie Mac)!

2008-08-26T19:50:00.011-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. Unusual for me. While in this perky and upbeat mood, I decide maybe a little fresh air and some exercise might be good. I strap on my shoes.
Nice right? Limited edition suckas.

Now for some reason I've always been a fan of basketball. And I got skills. I ain't no MJ, but I got skillz. When I get a little low on cash I like to go down to the local court and hustle some fools for some cash. Yea, I'm that dude. I got a good partner as well...maybe you heard of him...Wesley Snipes. When we playing he goes by Sidney Deane...don't ask me why...I told him it was a gay alias. I'm sure you've heard that Wesley..er..Sidney...is having a little legal trouble, so he is more than ready to get some cash on the court. So he picks me up bumping that new shit...maybe you heard of it...
We head down to the court...group of dudes already playing there...just perfect.
Sidney drops me off about a block away. He drives off knowing he needs to come to the court in about 20 minutes.
I walk up, and just like any where else I go, the music stops and everyone stares. I can hear them talking.."What the fuck...that dude has a Half Beard..crazy ass dude"..it doesn't bother me...I've put up with it my entire life. I ask to join the game, of course they laugh and say no.
Just like clock work Sidney rolls up. He gets out, asks to join, they tell him he needs to get a partner...he says "I'm trying to play for cash, and I will bust yo ass with who ever you stick me with". Again like clock work, they point to me...they always point to me.
Long story short, they left the court, leaving us with 5 bills a piece. Not enough for Sidney's lawyer, but there is always other games.
Of course Sidney, however, is betting man like myself. Not to mention a shit talker. He is a little upset we didn't destroy them in the game. Mad cause I didn't dunk on fools. "What Half Beards can't jump?" he says to me. Pfft I say knowing damn well I could stretch out my Half Beard and dunk all day, but we both know the kind of attention that would bring, scientists..etc.
Well of course I'm like man you know I can dunk I just choose not to. I don't want to draw any more attention to myself.
"I got 500 that says you can't" he says.
Needless to say, but I'm going to say it. I went home empty handed, lost my 5 bills because I didn't use my Half Beard. I could have you know, but I guess I got something in me that doesn't like to cheat. Well I don't like to cheat at most things. You know how women are. Like Lays, betcha can't eat just one...
Sorry I got way off topic there, but losing that 500 means I will be working for the pussy, not buying it.

2008-08-20T23:01:00.007-05:00

You know, my brush-in with the halfbeard got me thinking. Obviously, there is more of us out there. But I was wondering, who were the halfbeards of the past? Are there successful halfbeards out there in this modern day world? So, after an all night bender, I hit the Museum of American History, like any normal person would do. Because dammit, after a night of drinking Schlitz and banging hookers, I kinda want to learn about our founding fathers.
So I get there, and pay the allotted donation. You know, $5 for kids, $10 for adults, $7 for seniors, and $26.83 for halfbeards... damn, i got hosed. Anyway, I found out that there are a ton of halfbeards out there, past and present, that make the country run. As a matter of fact, one of the first patriots of our day, Sam Adams, was a halfbeard. And brewed his own beer to boot. A fine man he was...

Another one, one of the fathers of flight, Wilbur Wright of the Wright Brothers fame was a halfbeard.

Here's one that surprised me. One of the major leaders in the civil rights movement, not only was for equality for black people, but also halfbeards...

Major political figure, Ted Kennedy, is a halfbeard...

And pop star icon of the 60s, Tito Jackson, is a vibrant halfbeard...

I never knew there were so many out there. I learned so much that day at the museum, that I just couldn't wait to get home and drink all of my knowledge away. Actually, that's not possible, since my halfbeard, not my brain, stores 90% of my memories.

I hope you are as thrilled with the news that halfbeards can thrive in a society not yet ready to accept them. It's too bad us halfbeards will have to just end up killing ourselves off. We have a lot we could contribute to society... can't think of many examples at the moment, but i'm sure we do. Well kiddies, it's off to the fridge...

2008-08-19T08:12:00.002-05:00

Apparently there can be only One.
If you haven't noticed, I've been gone for a bit. Well I died. Thats right, dead. How did I die? Well I know I told you about how they kidnapped me last week, well they did it again, but this time they went too far. I think their plan was to just to humiliate me...but things went wrong...you see they stripped me down, tied my hands, put one of those big ass signs on me (the sign read "Half Beard's are Half Beards, they need to die"...yea real creative), they also tied me to the bumper of the van. They kicked me out the back and told me I better start running. As I stand up, they start driving, one dude had a mega phone yelling "Look at the Half Beard, ha ha", the guy driving must have been drunk, he was swerving all over the road. So the first turn he takes he cuts off a semi, semi can't stop quick enough, Half Beard doesn't react quick enough...splat. Yea I know. Stupid way to die.
So I died. Death was weird...Sean Connery was there telling me I had no choice but to go into the light.
I break out of the morgue and head back to my apartment. During my walk, my spidey senses start tingling...I feel like I'm being followed. I stop and look around, nothing there. Keep walking. I see an alley coming up, I know this neighborhood so I know it's quicker to walk through the alley. As I turn the corner, I take a shot in the gut. Here we go again I think to myself, it isn't bad enough these bastards got me killed, now they are going to mess me up again. I look up and see this real crazy looking 7 foot tall dude...and guess what...he was a Half Beard.
I got pretty excited right there, I truly haven't met any other Half Beards. But he hits me again, all excitement gone.
So we duke it out in the middle of this alley for awhile. Pretty closely matched, I think my Half Beard may be a little more coarser than his though.
He stops all of the sudden...takes a few steps backwards, I'm thinking good we're done, now we can drink...
Not the case...this dude whips out a 3 foot straight razor...unfolds it...points at his Half Beard, points at me, "There can be only One Half Beard!" he shouts...I'm a little slow friends,I did just come back from the grave, and I'm still trying to figure out how he got such a big straight razor, well as he is charging at me it occurs to me that he is going to try and shave off my Half Beard...
I whip out my portable Sawzall, do a little tuck and roll past him, jump up and start to choke him out, he drops the big ass razor, I start to shave his Half Beard, it's not working though, the Beard just starts to regrow, I realize I need to go deeper, I start to break the skin...
In one quick swoop it's all over. His Half Beard falls to the street, he falls to his knees...
I drop my Sawzall...spidey senses start to go crazy(I don't really have spidey senses, but you know that feeling).
Lightening...that's all I remember. Lightening, I don't know where it came from, but it was everywhere.
Talk about a fucked up weekend though.
Dead - Alive - 3 Foot Straight Razor - Lightening.
I guess there can be really only One Half Beard.

2008-08-15T16:20:00.006-05:00

It's Friday folks. And what does that mean? Absolutely nothing.
At least that's how I felt when I woke up this morning. Then it happened. The little red phone, that sits in my one room apartment, in the corner, on a carefully stacked tower made out of beer cans, rang. At first I really didn't notice. I was preoccupied with trimming my Half Beard. I brushed it off, turning the Sawzall I use to shave, off only for a second. Then it happened again, the phone rang. I ran to the phone, picked up the receiver,silence. Fucking douche bag I say, and slam down the phone. It's a rotary phone mind you, so I can't use *69 or any of those other fancy tricks, like caller id. So Half Beard half shaven, I grab a beer, of course. I get curious at this point because only a few people actually have the number to the little red phone. Back in the day when I was saving asses, the mayor and other high paid assholes would call me on that line to ask for help.
In mid thought, the phone rings again, this time I dive like a crazy man, spilling my nice tower all over the room.
Who is on the other end you ask? Well none other than Bruce "I can't decide if im good or evil, I miss my daddy, I hate furry little bats" Wayne. Im really quite speechless at this point since I haven't spoke to him since that whole Cat Woman incident. I'll tell you more about that later, but let me get to the point of his call. He is all in a frantic rage, speaking in questions and riddles. He is on the phone literally saying to me, "Whom,Who,What,Where,god dammit, Why, How,To whom it may concern,Bats, god damn bats I tell you"...I yell into phone to get his attention, " Bruce you little rich bastard shut the fuck up, what is the problem man?" "Again with the questions!" he says to me. I hang up.
This shit is ridiculous.
My fax starts to ring at this point(how do I have my fax connected to my rotary phone? Don't worry about it, Im Half Beard), you will never guess what comes through. This :
Holy bird flu Batman! Is it true? Does the one and only Batman need Half Beard's help in figuring out who Batman is? Or is this just some lame attempt by Batman to have me help him catch some guy named the Riddler? Who knows? Will Half Beard ever know? Will the corner bar ever get Schlitz on tap? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Who the fuck cares? Anyone? Is there anybody out there?
Whoa.
That Riddler is a powerful dude. No wonder Bruce was acting the way he was. At this point Im not sure I much give a damn. Maybe I will think differently in the morning. Saturdays...ahh...gotta love Saturdays.

2008-08-14T07:41:00.005-05:00

So you may have heard already, but they may have found the Bigfoot(his real name is Bob) that I got into a little scuffle with down in Georgia. You see, Bob, he is a Bigfoot...and well Bob has a temper...
Everything was going fine...Jack Link jerky...Schlitz(Bob drinks deer piss...he loves the stuff, I won't touch it though) and some good conversation. You know how it is, you start drinking, get all pissy and start getting competitive...
I showed Bob just how tough my Half Beard truly is, I pulled a couple trees right out the ground, and well Bob tried to show me how tough he was, by challenging my Half Beard to a MMA style fight.
I tried to warn Bob that my Half Beard has a mind of it's own and is not to be fucked with. Deer piss talking, he was like "Ugh Og Half Beard weak and puny Ag"...(yes I laughed too). So I hit him with a Spinning Half Beard...
I didn't think he was dead...I hope these guys are wrong...Bigfoot funerals are no fun.

Here is a photo of Bob...unfortunetly it does appear that my Spinning Half Beard took him out...

2008-08-14T06:36:00.002-05:00

Some days don't feel right. Either it's too bright out, too cold out, or the halfbeard too itchy. The Schlitz is warm and the hot dogs are cold. Can't get to sleep because you're too exhausted from drinking. Ran into one of those days about 4 years ago. Started out as any normal day should, get up, lay a duce, pick at the zits beneath the halfbeard, and then go about your day. Walk down to the newsstand, grab a paper and a cup of joe, then quickly spike it with what is remaining of your beer from the walk down. Just watchin the people do their little dance on the sidewalk. Seriously, jim and alice are a couple of hobos not far from here, they do interpretive dances for change. They aren't bad, need a little work, and with practice could go far in the world of street performers. But I digress... Today it seemed everyone was ripe with halfbeard hatred. It may come as a shock to some of you, but most people are scared of halfbeards. Don't know what to make of 'em, not realizing that I did not choose to have this curse, and sometimes blessing, that it was given to me, as i like to think, a gift. It is a gift, at least that's what i have to tell myself, because if it were up to Jackey McAsshole over there, i should shave it and never tell anyone. But hell, the groupies love it, or "Halfies" as they are known. You know the type of women, the one's who only shave one leg, or only shave half their snatch. Now, those are the freaks if you ask me.
Again, back to the original story, i was minding my own business, watching joe and alice do a dance about ATM fees, and this guy walks up to me and just starts talking. And not even conversation, I'm telling you, just random words are coming out of his mouth in no sensible order. "Hey, transistor frog meaty albino dishwasher vacation yellow." So like any good American would do, i started to walk away, hoping that he doesn't get any of his crazy on me. He starts to follow, so I turn the corner, and he bum rushes me, and hauls off and cracks me upside the head, and shoves me into an open van. I'm being held down by 3 guys, all of whom are named Stan (which is what it said on their "Hello, my name is..." stickers). The guy who originally attacked me is still talking gibberish, and proceeds to pull fake beards out of this box in the van. And one by one, the men are pasting the beards to me, anywhere they can put them. Once i am covered, they throw me from the speeding van, shouting their gibberish all the way. I tuck and roll, come to a stop, and look down at my fake beard encrusted body. I proceed to get up, pull off the fake beards and brush myself off. Halfbeard hate crimes are the weirdest. Oh, look, there's a bar in front of me. I wonder if they sell Schlitz...

2008-08-13T13:49:00.002-05:00

Middle of the afternoon...half in the bag...that means drunk to you kids...I feel like I need to elaborate more on my life...ha ha...the "Life and Times of Half Beard"..."As the Half Beard Turns"...oh man I could go on forever...
Anyways...I wasn't always this back stabbing, deceitful and shady(hmmm...that sentence reminds me of song...), I used to be a real good guy. You see much like some Super Hero's my Half Beard has the uncanny ability to grow on command...weird? I think not.
See now I could bore you with stories of heroism and courage, how I saved this person, fought this bad guy, saved the world...blah blah blah...I mean shit, I'm Half Beard...you just know I'm the shit.
Picture me rolling six pack in hand...stupid ass cat stuck in a tree...without missing a beat my Half Beard grows and grabs that stupid cat out of that tree... I drop his ass from 6 feet though, just to make sure that whole landing on their feet thing still works. Damn I say as it does and his furry tail runs off.
But yea I did all that "Captain Half Beard" shit...It was fun for awhile...I mean I got pussy every night...women kinda like the Half Beard...motorboat anyone?? You feel me I know it...
But listen Super Hero's don't get paid man. You gotta have that "others are more important than me" shit in your heart...well that ain't me...I gotta eat you know, plus rent...and I can't fly...sure I can swing around on my Half Beard just fine...but after about the first 15 minutes I start getting a neck cramp, swinging around on a Half Beard makes me lean to the left...shit hurts.
Well listen I gotta run to the corner store...running a little low on that drink...I'll be back when i get back...maybe I will tell you some real stories...

2008-08-13T08:03:00.002-05:00

So I thought I would share myself a little more with you today...apparently that type of thing, sharing, is healthy...I'm not convinced. Here it goes though...I don't remember my childhood all that much...probably because most of it was so traumatic that I blocked it out completely, they say that's not healthy, what I do remember though is that I have always been Half Beard. Yes thats right, always. L O L you say? Damn kids and their internet lingo...but it's true, since birth I have been Half Beard. Poor Mom pushing that through, all rough and unshaven, that's gotta hurt.
The other fact I know is that I have always drank beer, preferably Schlitz. Neigh you say? I feel as if you may be challenging me and rest assured Half Beard is always up for the challenge. Here my friends I present you with the proof you have all longed for, Half Beard as a baby(look at that rack on Mom, nice huh)...

2008-08-12T23:24:00.000-05:00

Sleep. It never comes soon enough and always leaves before it should... I turn myself, the coolness of the grass on my face vanishes, and is replaced with nothing. I stir, pick the twig out of my halfbeard, get up and go inside to the fridge. I crack a beer, and rummage through the contents of the fridge, yet nothing seems appetizing. I can still taste it, an odd combination of dirt, blood, and gummie bears. I had been there once before, and never did it cause the destruction of buds like it did this time. A mix between hot wax and glue, not sure of whether it was solid or liquid. I light up another cigarette, and take a big swallow of Schlitz. Still doesn't kill it. My head is pounding. I close the fridge, and wander back outside. I need to do this. Should I ask for my money back? One thing is for sure, I'm never eating at that burrito stand again.

2008-08-12T09:05:00.000-05:00

I am, I are, I can Half Beard. How do I know these things? Better yet, how do I know these things to be fact? I'll tell you. I woke up and headed to the Jon, you know how it is, morning wood...banging headache...the taste in your mouth would be rotten ass, but your tongue is like a piece of leather...
After I finished my morning piss and shit, I headed to the sink for a drink of water. My fuzzy eyes caught a glimpse, but it didn't register, I finished sucking on the lime encrusted faucet, checked the mirror again, this time rubbing my eyes. There staring back at me was some kind of Half Bearded freak...just then it occurred to me that I was looking at myself. I shot myself one of those John Travolta Saturday Night Fever smiles.
I went to the fridge and grabbed myself a beer, sat down and decided today would be the day that I chronicled my life. I figure hell, I've been through some shit, someone has to find it interesting.